Half Life
by BlueberryOcean
Summary: The Prestige My name is Sarah Borden and I am married to two men. On Hold
1. Thursday

**Thursday Afternoon-Library**

Dear Friend,

My name is Sarah Borden and I am married to two men.

I knew the moment I saw Alfred's smile that he would break my heart. His eyes were so eager, looking to me with a quiet charisma. How could I resist, even though I knew one day by his own choice he would leave me? A man like that could never truly fall in love with a woman like me.

Beautiful, childlike Alfred surprised me by asking me to be his wife. It was one of Alfred's good days; love was shining out from his eyes and all of it was directed towards me. I can never forget the way he touched my hair, his hand running through it as the other reached for the ring box. The ring was simple, for we did not have much money, but I would never trade it in. I could never have said no to this Alfred, the one who loves me. I wish I could have said no. It would have saved me much heartbreak.

My husband is two men; one is my Alfred, the other that damnable performer, "Freddie" as Olivia calls him. Olivia…Olivia is my husband's mistress. It kills me to write this, but I must. To not write would be denying me this last bit of sanity that I am clinging to. I am living a half life and I don't know how to stop it. Oh I know a way, but I can not go to such an extent. I have my daughter to live for and I also have Alfred, on the days that he is truly there.

Have I mentioned that Alfred is a magician? He is one of the best in London. When I met Alfred he was learning the trade of the magic world and performing charity shows. I dream of those early days, when the good days were so close to one another. I should have realized that those simple shows could have never lasted; Alfred craves the applause of the people. He needs it in ways I can never understand. Olivia is in my life because of this. She is my husband's assistant and lover. He thinks I do not know of their affair, but how could I not? It haunts me. I can not stop imagining them together, having his hands run across her body as they once did to mine. Damn her! Why? Why must I live like this?

I watch him leave me during the night and I can only lie there. I always hear Fallon come in the door as my husband leaves me for his lover. Fallon is my husband's trusted advisor. I love him as I would love any member of my family. He protects me and my daughter and I know that he would die for us. Some days I can feel him watching me in a way that is both exciting and frightening, always when Alfred is gone and "Freddie" is there.

I speak with Fallon even though he can not speak to me, he is mute. I have asked Alfred about this, and he simply says that Fallon was born that way. At first I was hesitant around Fallon for I did not know how he would react to me speaking to him when he could not respond, but Fallon continuously soothes me when "Freddie" is there. Today is one of those days.

My husband is off gallivanting with that woman and Fallon is sitting across from me as I write this. My daughter lies at my feet playing with a doll that Fallon has given to her. My child is always able to bring a smile upon my face, even on the bad days. I smile at Fallon and he smiles back to me, for a moment I am stuck at how familiar it is. My daughter interrupts my confusion with her question to go to the park. I must leave my story here for Fallon and I are taking her. Goodbye my friend.

**Thursday Evening-Parlor**

Dear Friend,

The trip to the park was what I needed. To be out in the sun and fresh air did wonders for my mood. My daughter had a wonderful day as well, it would have been a truly great day if Alfred had been there, but to tell you the truth, with Fallon there I was able to forget my troubles with my husband. The images of Olivia and him together were banished from my mind.

Sadly this good mood did not last for long. My husband returned home long enough to say goodnight to our daughter before he had to go off and "practice" with Olivia. Normally I wouldn't be too distressed, but tonight he had the audacity to bring her into our home! As soon as he left the house I fell to the floor, sobbing.

I cursed him, her, and myself too many times to count. Luckily Fallon was with me and he brought me here, the parlor, to calm myself down. I do not know where I would be without Fallon for tonight he saved me.

I was dying inside and if I had been alone I may have done something that I would have regretted soon after. But he was there and he took me into his arms allowing me to weep upon his chest. In my mania I imagined that it was Alfred who was comforting me; Alfred was the one holding me in his arms and while this helped, it also caused me greater pain.

My love for Alfred is boundless. Fallon, God Fallon. I need him and it frightens me. I don't want to have these thoughts about Fallon. When has Fallon started to replace my husband? My mind is weary and my body aches from my sobbing. My eyes are starting to close, but I am not ready to go to bed.

To lie there in the empty bed will kill me. Knowing that my husband will not be there for me will bring back the sorrow from before. I glance up from this book towards Fallon. He is sitting in a chair that is close to me. Our eyes meet and I blush remembering the scene from earlier. He doesn't say anything and I know I shouldn't expect him to, but sometimes I long for him to speak to me. Fallon…I wish my husband would be as loyal as you are.

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Disclaimer: I do not own The Prestige.

Author's Note: I hope you have enjoyed this first chapter and please tell me what you thought of it, even if you didn't enjoy it. I would like your opinion. Thank you.


	2. Friday

**Friday Morning-My bedchamber**

Dear Friend,

I have just awakened to find myself in my bed. I do not remember going to my room…I must have fallen asleep upon the couch last night and Fallon had to have carried me upstairs, along with this book. I half wonder if he read it, but I know better than that. Fallon would never betray my trust like that. Why is that I have more faith in my husband's friend than my own husband? I hear my daughter shifting in her room; she is most likely hungry, as I am too. I must take my leave for now dear friend, until after my breakfast.

**Friday Evening-My bedchamber**

Dear Friend,

I had the most wondrous surprise this morning at the breakfast table; Alfred, my Alfred was sitting there reading the newspaper. As soon as I walked into the room he enveloped me into a hug and as I breathed in his scent (with no trace of Olivia upon him) I forgot all my troubles.

I know I should have screamed and told him to leave, that I wouldn't allow him into this house again because of what he is doing to me, but God knows I can not. He is the Alfred I love and seeing him as he once was has recalled all my feelings of passion for him. Our daughter was also very happy to see her Father and I lost myself in the moment of my family happy and together.

Today will always be a bright spot of happiness for me. Alfred took me and our daughter out today. We spent the day wandering the city with Alfred pointing out little niches and secret places that I would have never noticed had he not been by my side. Dear friend I can't fully describe how wonderful my day was with the man I love. To feel him beside me once more is heavenly. He lays next to me now, our daughter sleeping in her room, our own room seems brighter than yesterday. I look to my husband and watch him sleep.

I know that my happiness will be brief for tomorrow is a performance day. My Alfred will be gone and Freddie will return in preparation for tomorrow. Still I will cherish this moment because I need it to survive another day. Let me set you aside dear friend for my husband is waking and I can not bear to not waste any moment with him.

**Friday Late Night-The Library**

Dear Friend,

Nightmares plague my sleep tonight. I kept waking and finally I moved out of my bed, away from my Alfred, I did not want to disturb his rest. I dreamed of such horrid things and they scare me. I did not know that my mind could hold such images within it. I dreamt of blood and of a man who I know to be "The Great Danton" or Rupert Angier. Mr. Angier is my husband's rival in the magician world and my dear Alfred believes that I have no knowledge of him. And that would be true if it were not for the fact that Mr. Angier sought me out.

I hardly ever go to see my husband's shows anymore, because they remind me of Olivia, but there was a time when I saw the occasional ones. It was after one of those that I met Mr. Angier. He came up to me with questions upon his tongue. Grabbing my arm he pulled me into an alley going on about the secret to my husband's illusion. There was madness in his eyes and I was very frightened, but I also felt pity for the man. I could see that this obsession with my husband had taken control over his life. I am not quite sure how I got away from Mr. Angier. I remember continually telling him that I did not know of my husband's secrets and I must have convinced him because he ran away. I never saw him again, but tonight's nightmares make me wonder if I will see him in the future.

Should I tell Alfred about my long ago encounter with Mr. Angier? No…I won't for it was a great deal of time ago and I know that if he did come after me Fallon would be there to protect me, and of course Alfred would protect me if he was there, but more often it is Fallon by my side and not my Alfred. I hear footsteps…ah it is Alfred. Is he planning to sneak away tonight? No, my love has come to escort me back to bed. Can you feel my smile, friend? My true love is calling for me. My heart feels light once more and my nightmares are shifted to the back of my mind. Goodnight dear friend.

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Disclaimer: I do not own _The Prestige._

Author's Note: This chapter was a lot lighter on the angst, but be prepared for the next one throws Sarah back into the pit of despair. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and please tell me what you thought of it!! Thank you.


	3. Saturday

**Saturday Evening- Mr. Angier's Apartment**

Dear Friend,

When my husband left me again today I decided that enough was enough. I had to see for myself who he truly is. I left my daughter to my neighbor, Mrs. Salvia's, care. She is a very kind old woman with many grandchildren who never come to visit her and I know that my daughter would be safe in her care.

After I left my sweet child with Mrs. Salvia I decided to purchase a ticket to see my husband's performance tonight. I need to see with my own eyes who he is when he is not with me. I need to know the man who is in love with Olivia. And I have to know why he can just leave me behind. I regret my decision to do this already.

Watching my husband on stage as "Le Professeur de Magie" was haunting and heartbreaking. I saw a side of him that he has never dared to show me before. His final illusion, "The Transported Man" was memorizing and it caused me such sorrow. For as he reappeared on stage, my love, passionately kissed Olivia. To watch those lips kiss another woman just as they had kissed me the night before was horrifying.

I knew that he had a lover, but God I never actually witnessed them together. My mind was in chaos. That is how I have ended up in Mr. Angier's bed with him sleeping beside me. I have betrayed my husband and the vows we swore together. As I had sex with Mr. Angier, for to call it making it love would be a mockery of the words, I kept on seeing Alfred and Fallon's face running through my mind. God I am disgusted with myself; I feel as if I have betrayed two men. I don't know who I am anymore.

Perhaps my dear friend I should explain how I came into this position. After Freddie's performance my heart and tears were laying on the floor and as I tried desperately to disguise my agony a man came to me offering me his handkerchief. I was grateful to the man immediately and it was not until he spoke did I realize who he was. Shall I describe the scene for you? Maybe then you will understand my actions tonight.

"Mrs. Borden. What a surprise to see you here tonight. Did you enjoy your husband's performance?" His voice was filled with arrogance and maybe there was a little sympathy in them.

"No." I answered simply because I was afraid that if I spoke more I would lose control. I remember the feeling of isolation as I spoke with Mr. Angier outside the theater. The fact that there were hundreds of people surrounding us only intensified this feeling.

"I thought you would not." I looked into his eyes and there I saw pity and understanding. I hated and loved him for that.

"And how did you like the show, Mr. Angier?" I questioned him wondering how much time would be left until Freddie and Olivia would be coming out those doors. Perhaps Fallon would be with them. At that moment I knew I had to leave. I could not bear for Fallon to see me in this emotional mess once more.

"It left me pondering as always, Mrs. Borden." As he said my name I could not help but hate it. Mrs. Borden? What a joke. Last night as I made love to my Alfred I may have been Mrs. Borden, but at this moment I was only a woman who had been betrayed.

"Call me Sarah." I remember the way he smiled at me and how I clung to that almost maniacal smile. That was when I decided that I could not go back into the house that Alfred bought for me. To lie on the bed we had just made love in. For all I would feel is the depth of his betrayal. Damn him.

"Very well, Sarah, would you care for some tea to warm you up? This night air can cause such coldness within the human soul." I knew what he was truly offering me under those words. And he knew that I would say yes to him because he too saw tonight's performance.

"I could use a cup of tea to warm me up." As I walked away from the theater house I remember feeling as if someone was watching me, but I did not even care to turn and look.

I don't think I have to tell you the rest of my night in detail, friend. Having sex with Mr. Angier was a form of revenge for both of us. Mr. Angier was punishing my husband for whatever he did to him in the past and I was punishing my husband for breaking my soul. But for I all know my Alfred is gone and that damn Freddie will not care who I give my body too.

As I lie here feeling another man's body beside me that is not Alfred's I can not help but weep. I regret my actions friend, how could I not? I love Alfred and tonight was a mistake that I can never allow to happen again. But I can't go home yet. The chance of Alfred, Freddie, or even Fallon being there is something that I could not bear. To look into their eyes I know I would break. I will stay here in Mr. Angier's bed and let him wrap his arms around me calling me by another woman's name. For tonight we both need that.

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Disclaimer: I do not own _The Prestige._

Author's Note: I really wanted to convey the feeling of hopelessness in this chapter that Sarah is feeling and I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Please tell me what you think. Thank you.


	4. Sunday

**Sunday Morning- Home Parlor**

Dear Friend,

Angier was gone by the time I had awoken; I am grateful for that fact. One of his servants showed me to the carriage that brought me home. Before I even went into my home I fetched my daughter from Mrs. Salvia's care. My sweet child was a welcome sight to my eyes. She is now in the study with her tutor, Miss. Harp. Can you tell that I am trying to avoid mentioning what happened as soon as I walked into my home?

Fallon was waiting for me by the door and in his hand was a note. I could not even look at him for I feared that last night's actions were stained upon my body. I would not be able to face the disappointment that would be reflected in his eyes, and the betrayal in mine. The note that he held in his hands was from Angier. Shall I write what was left for me?

_Sarah, The cup of tea was quite pleasant and I look forward to many more nights like last evening. -Angier._

I was horrified to read that note. It seems that Angier plans to continue our affair. God did I just write that? An affair with my husband's rival? What in heaven's name was I thinking? How could I do this to Alfred? In my weakness I abandoned my vows, sickening.

There will be no more "nights like last" no matter what Angier believes. I can not allow that moment of vulnerability ruin me again. I of course destroyed the note as soon as I was done reading it. Fallon said nothing to me, but how could he? He is mute even though I seem to forget that fact. Maybe it is because I his eyes can convey so many things to me. Just like Alfred's own.

I am a foolish woman. Alfred is my husband and I should not be dreaming of another man's eyes, even the eyes of a man who loves me must not be dreamed of. Today my daughter is going to be with her tutor all day and I plan to do some shopping for china. Hopefully this task will remove some of my troubles from my mind, if only for a period of time. Goodbye for now my friend.

**Sunday Mid-Afternoon-London Streets**

Dear Friend,

Damn! Damn! Damn this day to hell! Shopping was going fine for me. I managed to convince Fallon that I did not need an escort and that he should remain at home with my daughter. I was happy to achieve my solitude, but goddamn it my day has gone to hell. I was minding my own business in a clothing store (I know I was supposed to be shopping for china, but the silks were alluring) and who do I happen to see there? Olivia, of course and who was she with? My Alfred or "Freddie".

I quickly hid behind some clothe racks, out of their sight, but not out of hearing range. Their conversation is a point of interest so I will write it down here, to remember always how my husband thinks of me when I am not there.

"Freddie, darling, isn't this red silk amazing?" Olivia's voice was covered with honey syrupiness that made me want to gag.

"Not quite as amazing as you are my love." Please when did my damn disloyal husband become such a love struck school boy? Olivia's response to Freddie's wonderful statement of love was to giggle like a sugar high five year old child.

"I bet you say that to your wife." Olivia managed to recover from the giggle fest long enough to bring me into conversation as well as their lustful staring at each other. Did they plan to have sex in the store? When was the last time Alfred looked to me with that lust? Why must I see it in other men's eyes?

"Never do I say something like that to my wife. She can not ever satisfy me like you can, dear heart." Dear Heart?! Can you see that coming for my Alfred's mouth? He is out of character. Do I even know my husband? And yes hearing that I can not satisfy him made me want to scream I satisfied Angier well enough last night!! No need to worry friend, I did not reveal my hiding spot, nor my tryst, by screaming at the bastard.

"Oh, Freddie I love you!!!" More giggles and lustful touches coming from the two of them, did they not remember they are in a store? Fortunately for my own sanity I escaped the store without either of them seeing me. They were too involved with each other.

Now here I sit on a tiny bench outside some little store in London. I ran as far away from the clothe store as I could before I had to rest; running in three layers of clothing can be very tiring. Anger is filling my vision, dear friend. Why did I have to witness acting the love struck fool? He never once behaved with me as he behaved with Olivia just earlier.

Who is Alfred Borden? I do not know anymore. Does anyone? I sit here and I can't move because I can't trust my body. I long to run back to that clothing store and finally confront Alfred, but what would that accomplish? He would have to admit to his affair and then what? Would he finally leave the house for good? Where would my daughter and I be? In a home that would constantly remind us of the man we lost to a charming woman with blonde hair and eyes that sparkle with love, the way mine used to do.

I want to hate Olivia and a large majority of me does, but I am also jealous of her. She has taken my husband away from me and changed him into a man who can laugh easily. My running back into that store would cause only misery and embarrassment for a woman whose only crime was to fall in love with an irresistible man. So here I sit trying to calm my anger into a much more acceptable emotion-acceptance.

I have to accept the fact that my husband is openly having an affair with a younger, prettier woman and that I may never truly have him again. I don't have to enjoy that fact, but I must accept it, or what will I be left with? Bitterness and sorrow, these emotions will change me into a woman I do not want to become, a woman who cheats on her husband to feel anything besides pain.

I have no idea if I can accept the fact that my Alfred is most likely gone from me, but God knows I am going to try. I have to. My daughter deserves a mother who is not continually burdened by her own problems. She must come first in my life now. Thoughts of soul mates can no longer hold conference in my mind. For my soul mate proved to me that true love does not exist for me. Perhaps it does for Olivia. Thank you friend for allowing me to confess my troubles to you, without this book I may have run back into that store and ruined many lives. Goodbye friend, until next time.

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Disclaimer: I do not own _The Prestige._

Author's Note: Will Sarah accept her husband's affair? And what will happen with her own? Find out next chapter:p Leave me a note and tell me what you think! Thank you!


	5. Angier Reappears

**Friday Evening-My room**

Dear Friend,

These last five days have been horrible. But yesterday was the worst of the all. Alfred has had many performances this week and because of this I have been alone at home with my daughter for the past nights. Last night a certain man came to take advantage of this situation. Angier was the man, who else would be calling upon me?

Certainly my husband would not be here. In fact more often he has been with Olivia, in their apartment over his work studio. He told me that he needed the place for those nights when he had to "practice" late. Why does Alfred think I am such a fool? I was educated properly.

I run off topic. Allow me to describe the scene last night. My daughter was safely tucked into her bed, dreaming, when a knock was heard upon our door. I was confused at first for who could be visiting my home at such an hour? I then assumed it was Mrs. Salvia. When I opened the door and saw Angier standing there I almost died. I composed myself long enough to ask me (politely even) what he was doing at my doorstop.

"Why, Mrs. Borden! Is your husband here by chance? I wish to speak with him." Angier had to have known that my husband had a performance last night.

"No." I replied simply because I did not know whose eyes may be watching. I can not seem overly friendly with this man, but I can not be rude.

"May I come in and leave a message then?" Angier knows how to manipulate me so well. I could not turn him away because people may question why I turned away a seemingly simple request. I had to let him in.

"Make it quick for my daughter is sleeping." As Angier stepped into my home dear friend I felt a chill run over me. I knew at that moment that Angier would not permit me to forget about our night together. And that he would be adamant about continuing our "affair".

"Sarah." He breathed against my neck as soon as the door was closed and we were in the parlor. I could feel his desire for me and while it repulsed me I was also intrigued by it. Sometimes I feel as if Alfred never desires me anymore. Can you understand the need, friend, to feel wanted and lusted after? It is primal and makes me feel ashamed of myself. Proper women should not desire that physical connection with any man but her husband. But then a husband should not look for that in other women. We have both sinned.

"Angier, you should not be here." Friend you must trust me when I say that I did push him away and I tried desperately to regain control over the situation I was in, due to my own mistakes.

"Why? Don't deny the fact that you want this." His hands ran over my body and I am ashamed to say that I did want him, if only to seek shelter from my troubles.

"I am a married woman, Angier, and you are Alfred's rival. I can not do this to him." I walked away from him, friend. I swear.

"But what about what he does to you?" Angier knew that this would cut me and I hate him for that.

"I love him." I couldn't bear to look at Angier as I said this. I wouldn't be able to handle his pity.

"Sarah, you are a woman who has needs. Your husband will not care for them; allow me. I want you." Angier held me in his arms and this embrace reminded me of the night when Fallon was here to comfort me. How twisted I have become, to seek comfort in this man.

"You want to punish my husband for whatever he has done to you by having an affair with me." The truth spoke through my mouth and friend it tasted bitter, like most things in my life.

"Do you not want to punish your Alfred for carrying on an affair in public view?" Angier questioned me.

"I am better than this." By this I was referring to my lust for Angier and also to my own marriage, or the façade my marriage had become.

"Are you?" Angier loves to bring me down to his level, to remind me that I am not the perfect wife and mother that I had hoped to be when I was younger.

"Angier, I am not going to sleep with you. You may leave now." I remember his smile at my words, friend, as if I was deluding myself.

"Not tonight, Sarah, but trust me when I say that you will come crawling to me with tears dressed as stars in your sorrow filled eyes. Disappointment and hunger will drive you to me and I am going to be waiting with open arms and a cup of tea." He went out of my home leaving me in the parlor shaking from his proclamation as well as his hungry kisses upon my lips. Damn Angier.

Friend, please do not hate me. You are the only one I can confess this to. Why must my one mistake haunt me? Angier will not relent to my will of ending our relationship and I live in fear that Alfred is going to discover it. It seems that I now have a secret of my own. It is ironic that the thing that made me weep with despair is now something that I hold.

Why I am doing this to my family? My child did nothing to deserve her parents acting this way. Goddamn it! When has my life become a story that most people would burn in disgust over?

I said one time that I am married to two men, but now I think I have become two women. One loves her husband with a passion that no person can deny and the other woman despises the man her husband is becoming. I hate myself.

Tomorrow I must prove to myself that the woman who loves her husband is not completely lost. Tomorrow my Alfred has something planned for us and I hope, dear friend, I hope that I am able to survive the day. Goodbye, friend. Once again thank you for allowing me to write to you in my time of desperation.

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Disclaimer: I do not own _The Prestige._

Author's Note: Yes...Angier is going to be a pain in Sarah's rear. Hopefully her day with Alfred tomorrow won't be too bad! Leave me a note and tell me what you think of my story so far! Thanks!


	6. Caged Heart

**Saturday -Home**

Dear Friend,

It has been many weeks since I last written upon your welcoming pages. I look past to my last entry and I see that I was filled with hope for a day with my Alfred. How strange it is to see that now; now that my worst fears have come to surface.

My wonderful day with Alfred never happened. His lover whore made a surprise visit to our home early morning claiming some emergency had happened within the workshop-whispering my dreaded lover's name. What a pitiful excuse for I know that Angier had a show that night, he had practically begged me to attend, but not because he wanted my support. No I was to be a trophy over his little victory of my husband.

Either way my husband left our bed to see to his Olivia's late night needs, but not before leaving a soft kiss upon my lips. Alfred is constantly doing things like that, betraying me with a smile and a gentle touch. He is a bastard of a husband.

When I awoke later that morning I found Fallon holding a note from my husband saying he regretted having to leave so abruptly, but that he wanted to see me tomorrow night for dinner. I am happy to say that I refrained from screaming and throwing the note to the floor while Fallon was there. I wouldn't want to give him reason to feel pity for me again. I actually didn't need to worry about having Fallon see me breakdown because he was gone soon after he gave me the note. I didn't see him until later the next day.

I am sad to say that I did show up for the dinner expecting to see my Alfred. Why was I surprised to see my husband's imposter and his two loyal servants? Do I even need to tell you how miserable dinner was for me? Olivia was making love to my husband with her eyes and my husband was eating it up, even Fallon's kind eyes could do nothing to soothe my anger. That night broke me further and when I stormed out of that restaurant it was to the devil's bed.

As I arrived to Angier's apartments that night I saw that he was packing for a type of trip. But even though his hands were occupied with something he dropped it all when he saw me. When I saw him do that simple act of just recognizing my presence (an act that Alfred hardly does anymore) my heart shook against the cage I had placed around it.

I say with little shame that I slept with Angier that very night. My husband had broken me and in Angier's arms I found a man that was willing to let me see the man underneath the magician's mask. It was a wonderful gift that Angier gave me that night, the gift of honesty. However, not even that night with Angier can compare to those with my true Alfred. My heart will always lie in Alfred's hands, rather I enjoy it or not.

The next morning Angier told me that he was leaving for America (I had seen the bags the night earlier but I had not expected him to be going so far away) and that he didn't know how long he would be gone. I almost cried upon his bed because dear friend, the only man who was willing to reveal himself to me was leaving me to my ghost of a husband and the silent guardian who looks to me with eyes I dare not question. Angier must have seen my worries for he embraced me while whispering into my ear that he would write.

Is it strange to you friend that Angier was almost gentle with me? Before, our meetings together had all been about a power struggle, but I guess now there was no struggle because I have willingly come to his door with tears in my eyes, just as he had predicted. I find myself realizing this and not caring because in Angier I find a little piece of my old Alfred.

I know you must think me weak, but you have to understand that living in my home is hell to me. Is it wrong to want one thing? Alfred has his own life now; can I not have a little piece of freedom?

Here I am now in my façade of a life. My lovely daughter is one of the only things that can bring happiness to my life. Angier's rare letters are a source of strength on those days of deep depression, those days when Alfred has taken my daughter away on a trip, days of solitude in a house that echoes old pains. He writes to me of fanciful experiments and disappointments, but also of longing to see me. Friend, Angier is falling for me and I must admit that I am beginning to care for him in a way that I had not expected.

You must find me pitiful; a woman caught in a web of heartache. But you must know that if Alfred, the man I married, showed his true self to me then there would be no Angier. I dream of a day when Alfred would come home suggesting that we move from London taking only our daughter with us. We could leave our past behind, a past of Olivia, Angier, and Fallon. How I long for that.

I look at the clock now and I must end my entry here; my daughter will be expecting me for dinner soon.

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A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own _The Prestige._ Hope you enjoyed this chapter…you have no idea how many drafts this one went through and I am still not completely pleased with it. However, I felt that I needed to update. Soon Sarah's journaling will have a rather large leap in time. I am expecting around two or three more chapters left of this story. Please leave me a review telling me what you think! 


	7. Fool

Dear Friend,

I am a fool. How could I ever have thought that Angier would love me? Why did I latch onto him of all people in my time of despair? It is disgusting and I will forever regret my actions that have led me to this place. My original instinct of Angier was correct-I am just a tool to seek revenge out on my husband. I am to be a trophy of his Lord's arm, a toy to torment my imprisoned husband. I suppose I should start at the beginning, when I first realized the truth, the truth of my Alfred.

It began like any other day of my married life, except this day I woke up with a clear mind. I finally saw what any woman could see. I have often said that I was married to two men; I just never knew how true that was. I thought my Alfred had a personality problem, but really it is an ambition issue.

Alfred once told me that as a child he longed to become the most famous stage magician in London. This ambition to succeed above all others is what has leaded me into my hell of a life. You see dear friend Alfred was born a twin. Everything makes sense now doesn't it? Why my husband seems to love me one day and hate me the next. And why Fallon can make me feel safe. Fallon and Alfred are the same. Because my husband and his brother have shaped a life that they must share an identity one of them must be in disguise while the other is not. Everything has fallen into place and the blinders are off. One day my love is Alfred Borden "Freddy" is Fallon, but when Freddy becomes Alfred Borden, my love becomes Fallon. It makes sense why I take comfort in Fallon's presence when Freddy inhabits my life.

Even though I know the truth it does not provide me with any reassurance. Alfred has lied to me since the day I met him and this betrayal seems much worse than the affair I thought he was having. My "husband" or the twin I love has never cheated on me with that whore. But yet I have cheated on him with Angier, his bitter rival. I deserve this horrible life.

As you can see friend my mind is in chaos and I apologize if you cannot clearly understand me. But I have yet to even scratch the surface of what has been happening.

I confronted my husband on that day when I realized the truth. How fortunate for me that it was Freddy there. I write this with as much sarcasm as I can muster in my body. Freddy broke me that night. My mind had been hovering on the edge and with his harsh words coming from my beloved's mouth it collapsed. I knew this man was not my husband. I knew that he did not love me, but when he said those words with so much hate in his voice I could not stand it. All I could see was my love shouting hateful things at me.

The next morning I left without a word. The house was suffocating me and while I was walking on the streets, seeking clarity I decided to seek my husband's workshop. The place was exactly what I pictured it to be. Here Alfred practices his illusions, his magic with his lovely assistant. God how the thought of that woman continues to torment me. Even though I knew in my heart that my true husband could not have cheated on me…I could not help but wonder. Olivia is beautiful in a way that I can never be. She is younger and more experienced and her hair seems to be made from silk. Looking at me I can see why a man would choose her. I am tiny with hair that looks as if a bird has made its nest in it and my skin bares the marks of labor. I hold none of the majestic beauty that Olivia carries within herself. I am a mother and a fool.

With the thoughts of betrayal and my insignificance I approached a loop of rope that was sitting on a table. Dear friend, I must tell you that I contemplated taking my life right then, but the stupidest thing kept me from doing it. It was the memory of Angier's lips upon my body, the memory of our lovemaking. It is extremely pitiful to think that I once thought that he loved me now that I know why Angier came to me in the first place. Yet however much of a fool I was, I still am breathing because of it. I am breathing in a wonderful mansion with a man who thinks it is right to falsely accuse a man of murder, a man who enjoys touching me in his bed, his hands spreading misery along my naked body. I let him roam me because I have no more fight in me. I cannot write anymore tonight…I am sorry. Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to tell you the rest of my cursed story. Perhaps tomorrow I will be released from this depressing parody of a life.

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